


I said things I can't take back

by marvelousbones



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Everyone Needs Therapy, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Sad Kara Danvers, Sad Lena Luthor, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 20:27:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21482371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelousbones/pseuds/marvelousbones
Summary: "No!" Lena shouted as her body tensed when Kara stepped closer, "I killed my brother for you! For all of our friends! Don't you understand what you've done?!" Lena yelled, her broken voice echoing throughout the Fortress as those little boxes finally burst free.ORLena and Kara are dealing with their feelings but amidst all the pain and suffering, they still love each other.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 31
Kudos: 323





	I said things I can't take back

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened because I was listening to [You Mean The World To Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98y4iI30LKc) by Freya Ridings and I had many feelings about that 5x07 episode. Also based on this [this](https://twitter.com/marvelbones/status/1196269624360349696) post that I made on Twitter.  
This story is big sad not gonna lie. I'm just in a big sad mood so this is what came out of it. 
> 
> Nondisclosure, some of the dialogue was taken from the episode and not from my own mind. The italicized and centered words are from the song. I have written a [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21143777#main) slightly based on this song (not as much of a songfic as this one, but if you want to check it out I'll link it here.

_That time I thought that we would have_  
_Was taken from red to black_

Lena clutched the device in her hand, willing it to stop shaking. She waited for Kara to reappear, body tense like a bowstring. She heard Kara's footsteps as the dark-haired woman walked, back turned to the super.

"Lena!" Kara exclaimed as the CEO slowly turned around, Myriad clutched tightly in her grip.

"Well, you caught me," Lena rasped, lips pressed thinly in her signature smirk but lacking its normal spark. "I have Myriad because I'm using you," Lena cut right to the chase, "like you used me."

Lena witnessed a thousand emotions flicker across Kara's face as she opened her mouth to speak before Lena cut her off.

"Do you remember when you finally told me you were Supergirl? You were weeping, big crocodile tears while I wept real tears, real tears for you weeks before," Lena spat out bitterly.

She watched as Kara stared at her like a confused, kicked puppy, trying to figure out how long Lena had known.

Lena explained how she had been the one to kill Lex, how she'd forced herself to pull the trigger, how she had shot her own brother in the chest.

Lena watched with her ever-present poker face as she saw tears well in Kara's blue eyes. Lena hated how her heart clenched painfully in her chest at the sight.

"I promised myself I would never trust anyone again…then I met you," Lena whispered, voice cracking on the last word.

More tears welled up in Kara's eyes, the blonde making no move to stop them from running down her cheeks.

"You chipped away at my armor with your warmth and your earnestness," Lena hissed bitterly, "and you convinced me to trust in people, in friendship again. And against my better judgment, I did. All the while telling you about my Achilles heel…betrayal."

Kara shook her head, bangs brushing her forehead with the movement as she opened her mouth to speak. Lena didn't give her a chance as she cut her off.

"I confided in you, e-everyone in my past had betrayed me, about how much it hurt, to have someone you love, lie to you and betray you," Lena's voice shook as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Kara felt a sob catch in her chest at the word 'love' and seeing Lena in pain, pain that she had caused. What Lena didn't know was that Kara did understand. She understood exactly what it felt like to be betrayed by people you love the most. Her parents had lied to all the citizens of their planet. They had planted this false impression on a young Kara that had haunted her for years. Then, there was Alex who had lied to her about killing her Aunt Astra which hurt immensely, but it was Alex. So yes, Kara knew exactly what it felt like to be hurt by those closest to her.

_And I said things I can't take back_  
_And I don't know how to live with that_

"I spelled it out to you, over and over again, essentially begging you not to violate my trust, **begging** you not to prove that once again I was a fool. You reassured me that you would never lie to me, that you would never hurt me and all the while there wasn't a single honest moment in our friendship," Lena said bitterly, voice thick with tears as she felt all of her little boxes ready to explode any second.

"No. No, that's not true," Kara tried to explain as she took a step closer to Lena. She took in Lena's broken expression, a similar one mirrored on her face as her blue eyes shone with unshed tears.

"**No!**" Lena shouted as her body tensed when Kara stepped closer, "I killed my brother for you! For all of our friends! **Don't you understand what you've done?!**" Lena yelled, her broken voice echoing throughout the Fortress as those little boxes finally burst free.

_And it kills me you might not know_  
_After all_

Tears were streaming down both women's faces at this point. Lena took gulps of cold air as Kara's heart pounded widely in her chest. She hated that Lena was in pain and what she hated, even more, was that she was the cause of it.

What Lena loathed the most was the hurt look on Kara's face. She hated that Kara was crying over her. She wasn't worth it. She hated that Kara had been the one to cause this crushing pain in her chest. She hated that she was unable to pull Kara into a hug and cry into her strong shoulders. Yet, the thing that Lena hated the most was the fact that Kara still didn't know her biggest secret of all.

_I know I don't let you see_  
_But you mean the world to me_  
_And I know that I can be pretty mean_  
_But you mean the world to me_

Kara let out a broken sob as Lena turned away, unable to look Kara in the eye, "when you f-found out why didn't you come to me right away? So I could expla-"

"Explain?" Lena interrupted, voice wavering as she looked at Kara with a hurt expression, wet tears staining her porcelain cheeks. She already had her answer through all of the actions Kara had done throughout their friendship. It was because she was a Luthor. That was the only explanation because Kara had told people she wasn't even that close with her secret, told everyone but her so claimed 'best friend' and went behind her back. After all, actions speak louder than words.

"If you hate me so much why not out me at the Pulitzer party? Why pretend to still be my friend this long?" Kara asked as her hand instinctively came up to reach out towards Lena before realizing what she was doing and dropping it lamely to her side.

"Because I wanted you to experience what you did to me. Feel what I felt," Lena spat out, voice as cold as the air around them.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_  
_I just sat there and watched you leave_

Kara let out a shaky sigh, "I understand your pain and your fury and-and you're right. I made a **big** mistake, maybe the biggest mistake of my life, but please, Lena, please don't leave the fortress with Myriad. Please don't let my mistake push you to do something terrible. **You are a good person**." Kara did understand her pain, she understood the sting of being lied to and what that felt like. She knew that she had pushed Lena towards a dangerous path, but she would fight for Lena. She still believed that Lena was good despite it all.

Lena cursed her traitorous heart as it sped up when Kara called her 'good'. Even after all of this, all of what they've been through Kara fought tooth and nail for her and still believed she was a good person.

"No. No, you don't ever get to tell me who or what I am again," Lena replied firmly, voice wavering with emotion as she watched the Fortress security trap Kara in a thick block of ice.

She thought she'd feel some satisfaction watching Kara's confused expression turn to one of hurt and agony, both physical and emotional, once realizing she was trapped in the ice with Kryptonite. Instead, all Lena felt was bitter emptiness and the Kara-shaped whole in her heart.

"Are you going to kill me?" Kara asked in a small voice as the green filtered through her blood.

"I'm not a villain," Lena said as she pressed the small button, "you shouldn't have treated me like one." Lena forced herself not to look back as she turned on Lex's transporter watch and stepped through the portal, disappearing in a cloud of purple.

Kara stood there in the ice block, green flowing through her veins with the uncomfortable feeling of her skin being seared off her bones and nails running through her blood. Yet, none of that ached as much as the anguish in her heart watching Lena leave without another word.

_I am not this ice queen, and you think I don't feel anything_  
_There's a fear that I've known_  
_And it's cut you to the bone_

Lena arrived back in her penthouse as she set Myriad on the table. She left Hope/Eve in her secured lab at L-Corp so she was truly alone.

The CEO pulled her hair out of its immaculate ponytail and ran her long fingers through the dark locks, loosening her tight braid.

Lena took a shaky breath as she willed herself not to start crying again. She made it another five minutes before completely breaking down halfway through brushing her hair.

The young Luthor stumbled to her living room towards the couch, tears blurring her vision as she hit the coffee table. A bruise would probably be there tomorrow morning, but that was the least of Lena's concerns right now.

She sunk to her knees, not even reaching the couch before full sobs wracked her body. One hand clutched the handle of her hairbrush before she flung the object across the room, anguished yell mixing with the loud 'thunk' of the brush hitting the wall ringing throughout the empty apartment.

Lena brought her knees to her chest and pressed her face against her kneecaps, hair coming to obscure her tear-stained face.

She let her self break as she thought of all that had happened between her and Kara. She thought of the blonde standing there alone in the ice, green flowing like ice through her veins as Lena hated that she felt guilty for her. The young genius had the fear that she had gone too far this time but it was too late to take anything back now. Lena detested her stupid feelings for Kara Zor-El Danvers and most of all the fact that no matter what happened between them Lena will always love her.

_And I'm so sorry I've never shown_  
_Just how much you hold_

Lena let herself cry until she felt exhausted and had no more tears left. She sniffed and rubbed her nose on her sleeve, not caring if she got snot on it. She looked down and realized that she had unconsciously put on one of Kara's old Midvale High hoodies that she had lent Lena during one of their game nights many months ago. Lena took another shuddering breath, no more tears left as her body just shook.

_'Cause I know I don't let you see_  
_But you mean the world to me_  
_And I know that I can be pretty mean_  
_But you mean the world to me_

If only Lillian could see her now, Lena thought laughing indignantly to herself as she wiped her tired eyes. Lena leaned back against her white couch and closed her tired eyes with an exhausted huff. She tried in vain to stuff her emotions back into their little boxes, but it was useless, they'd already sprung out, messy and chaotic for the whole world to see. Despite all of the bitter words directed at Kara, the blonde super still held a special place in her heart. Even after everything, Kara meant the world to Lena and she would never go as far as killing the love of her life or she might as well kill a part of herself too.

_I know I don't let you see_  
_But you mean the world to me_

Back at the Fortress, Kara stayed encased in the ice, body wracked with deep shuddering sobs. Kara felt her breathing speed up as she squeezed her eyes shut to fight off the rising panic attack. Being stuck in the ice reminded her too much of her years spent trapped in the phantom zone. She closed her eyes and focused her ears on the one sound that always grounded her, Lena's heartbeat. She knew it was a violation of privacy and most definitely trust given their current situation, but Kara was desperate. Soon, her breathing returned to normal, but the pounding in her heart was still there.

While the Kryptonite flowing through her veins did hurt, it wasn't enough to strip her fully of her powers and she could have broken out easily. She didn't. Instead, she chose to feel the pain in her heart, the pain of loving Lena.

"I'm so sorry Lena," Kara whispered brokenly into the quietness of the ice as tears slid down her cheeks, burning a path through her skin just like the Kryptonite burning through her veins.

"I know you think I didn't tell you because you're a Luthor. I know you have no reason to believe me, but I assure you it's not. At first, I was doing it protect you, but then I just realized that I was lying to myself. I was selfish because you loved Kara, just Kara. I never had anyone like that since Krypton. I was a coward and I was scared of losing you. You mean everything to me. You are my_ zhgehv_, my world, my everything" Kara whispered out into the cold confines of the ice chamber. She knew that Lena couldn't hear her but it helped to voice her feelings aloud anyway.

She pressed her fingertips against the ice and rested her forehead against the smooth surface as her tears dripped onto the chilly ground with a soft 'plip'. The coolness soothed the burning sensation throughout Kara's body but could not alleviate the pain within her heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Kryptonian words in the order they appear:  
World  
Thanks to the [ Kryptonian dicitonary](http://kryptonian.info/doyle/dictionary.html) for helping me out once again.  
Also, thank you to my beta reader [ AnxiousHotdog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiousHotdog/pseuds/AnxiousHotdog) and to [ Tara Wood](https://twitter.com/wootar519) on Twitter.
> 
> Please don't kill me.


End file.
